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 Things That Fade, Snow~
☽ CAERWYN SAGITTAR
 Posted: Dec 11 2017, 09:57 PM
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831 • Former Human • Love • Ireland


All you need is love~
SNOW WHITE HHHH hope this is alright XD
There was something wrong with him. With Caerwyn.

Not so much in the literal sense, where he was feeling sick or like something wasn’t quite alright in his mind or body or anything, but rather Caer was starting to just…realize a few things. Not technically anything..new, but he was starting to realize – after a rather rude awakening – that it was a behaviour that was…problematic. In particular his tendency to flit about, to reach out to everyone, cling to them until they were okay, move on to the next person, and jump between them all. That was fine for…friends, and even colleagues, because that was normal. But when…it came to family, that was…

Caer didn’t really hold any one love over another. The love of friends, of a partner, of a sister or father. The only one he could say he held above any other was the love of a mother; he had only ever had his mother, when he was little, so she had always been…she was the one that he held closest to. A mother’s love was the strongest to Caerwyn, and all others he weighed in equal measure. But…that maybe wasn’t true for everyone. Definitely wasn’t true for everyone. And after what he’d seen and felt on Halloween…

He knew it was only a hallucination. That those feelings were false, provided by the Nightmare Man in order to wound him. But at the same time he also knew that…he hadn’t been exactly very….very receptive to a lot of people. He’d been sticking to himself a lot more, just sort of flitting about where his duties took him, talking to those people and then….went off again. And among those voices that cried out to him, there was one he knew…he knew he’d been neglecting the most. And he really did hate that. Because she didn’t deserve it. Her, least of all.

But he also wasn’t sure if he wanted to go find her.

No, that was wrong; Caer did want to find Snow, but she….he was afraid, actually. Afraid that maybe it…was too late. That he’d pushed them apart too much. But he knew as well that the more he waited and fretted….the worse it would be.

Finding Snow wasn’t hard. Despite being such an introverted soul, she had numerous connections he could track her down by. Hers was a heart he recognized intrinsically, one that he knew very well. Spotting her threads was easy – even now, even though he’d been away for so long. Yet despite that….even when he could feel that she was near…he felt his chest grow tight with worry. This was….this was daunting.

She was right there. He just had to approach her.

Caer took a deep breath, following the thread to that heart. She was within earshot now, if he just called out….

”Hey…..”

He sounded so damn timid. He hated that.

”It’s really been….a long time, hasn’t it?”
© avey
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☽ SNOW WHITE
 Posted: Dec 12 2017, 12:58 AM
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491 • Archangel/Former Human • Purity • Nomad


If this is as close as I get to heaven Then I won't worry No I won't worry And you know I'm being honest When you go, there's only silence So I won't worry No I won't worry If I fly too close to the sun Please don't shoot me down If I fly too close to the sun If I fly too close to the sun Please don't shoot me down Please don't shoot me down Please don't shoot me down Please don't shoot me down Please don't shoot me down The closer I get I feel your static It's all around me It's all around me, na na And you know I'm being honest When you go, there's only silence So I won't worry

TW: implications of suicidal thoughts

Halloween passed with little comment on Snows part. The rumour of a graveyard angel and the odd individual who seemed to be able to see her only caught a wretched sorrow in her heart. Where another might have been glad for the sign of new believers, she found herself reminded of those she had loss and the loneliness that she had come to find herself surrounded by more and more. It played upon her worst insecurities and wishes. She imagined that if she had company someone else would have been able to agree with her assessment that she seemed to be lacking in people who could argue against her thoughts and offer some form of comfort. Unfortunately, the only people who seemed to be doing such things nowadays were Douglas and her father, both of whom could not be around her often.

Another drop in the pond, she supposed. The wish for nothingness was all she seemed to be entertaining nowadays when she allowed herself to stop. So, she would not stop. It was easier to focus on others and their happiness, constantly entertaining a blissful dream where those she loved were happy. She would gladly drown to make it real.

But wasn't she already nothingness?

She blinked, her gaze turning to the clock nearby. It would be best to keep to this part of the country for the day. While she had wanted to leave, she would prefer not to have a repeat of...ah, what had it been? A year ago? Relying too much on father was something she would prefer to avoid, particularly since many of her bad habits were avoidable. Still, she would prefer not sleep. Perhaps-

Her train of thought was broken at the sound of a familiar voice. Slowly, she turned, a rather dead gaze landing on Caerwyn. She had imagined this scenario many times before, sometimes in her desperation and other times in her anger. However, with it actually before her she found that it felt rather surreal, as if she was peering through glass. She was not entirely sure if she was angry or sad. If anything, she supposed that she was...surprised. After all, she had a reason to be.

"It has been a year," she said flatly. Emotion lurked beneath the surface. She doubted that the despairing creature she had become could be hidden. Father had been able to tell without it on the surface. Caerwyn certainly had a bit more of an advantage. "Why are you talking to me?"

heartache


CARMA
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☽ CAERWYN SAGITTAR
 Posted: Dec 18 2017, 10:33 PM
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831 • Former Human • Love • Ireland


All you need is love~
SNOW WHITE This gone be bad
Hollow silence. It was eerie, just how powerful the feeling of….nothing was. The feeling of something absent, something that should be there, that used to be there. Had it been that this….that Snow had felt this way all this while? Was that how long it had been? Caerwyn was starting to wonder if….that voice, the one he’d heard, if it was really the work of a Nightmare Man after all, or if….instead...it had really been her voice. Calling for him. Had Snow been….

When hearts were so far away, was this what happened?

It used to be that Caer felt and heard everything. But he’d been training his powers - honing them, controlling them, focusing them within a smaller radius so that he didn’t overwhelm himself. It was good in that it made him less of a target for monsters that devoured emotions, for Nightmares and Fearlings that were attracted to the ample emotion that he carried within him, but it also meant that he didn’t notice everything the way he used to - the faraway connections became faint, and what lay inside their hearts was harder to spot unless he focused specifically on them.

Snow…

Snow was hanging by a thread. A feeble thread.

He could see turmoil, so much...anger and sadness, loneliness. A year….had it really been so long? But, Caer didn’t flinch. He couldn’t. All of this...this response...he deserved it, for negligence, for neglect, for all around being stupid. His posture was open, but he maintained a distance for now, trying to catch her eyes with his own. He swallowed thickly before finally speaking up. ”I heard you crying out to me. Here.” He put a hand over his chest, the empty place where he had no heart. ”You...haven’t been well. Have you.”

He edged closer, a little closer, almost afraid to get too near, to hold her. Would she reject him? After so long? He was the most afraid of...that.

”It’s really been….a long time, hasn’t it?”
© avey
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☽ SNOW WHITE
 Posted: Dec 18 2017, 11:29 PM
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491 • Archangel/Former Human • Purity • Nomad


If this is as close as I get to heaven Then I won't worry No I won't worry And you know I'm being honest When you go, there's only silence So I won't worry No I won't worry If I fly too close to the sun Please don't shoot me down If I fly too close to the sun If I fly too close to the sun Please don't shoot me down Please don't shoot me down Please don't shoot me down Please don't shoot me down Please don't shoot me down The closer I get I feel your static It's all around me It's all around me, na na And you know I'm being honest When you go, there's only silence So I won't worry

Anger was not something normal for snow. In fact, she could hardly recall the last time she had been angry. Perhaps it had been when she had been human or when she had been slain by Zeus. No matter when it had been it was a rare emotion for her. She often smothered her rage, allowing it to only show itself as annoyance. It was unhealthy, especially since it was fairly clear that the angel was a passionate being. However, she could not help but view her rage as dangerous. The last time she had allowed herself to be relatively free with her emotions she had turned into a vengeful creature, turned into someone she had hated.

Yet, she could not help but feel angry at Caerwyn, particularly as he began to speak. It had been months since she had last seen him and in that time she had grown to become quite alone. She had been forced to accept Phobos' absence, something which might have been easier were it not for the fact that everyone else seemed to be disappearing from her life as well. Ryder had stopped believing in her months ago, something which hurt despite her knowledge that it was natural. Ares was avoiding her. Caerwyn had not spoken to her in a year, something which had begun to feel purposeful since she knew her father had promised to speak to him. The amount of people in her life could barely be counted on one hand and the only distraction she had was the quests she was distracting herself with.

She tried to keep the growing anger from showing but found herself quickly failing. "Of course," she spat, "It's always work, isn't it? Father tells you to see me and you ignore him, but suddenly proof shows up and the Guardian of Love has to check." She rolled her jaw before moving backwards. "Well, job done. Congratulations. Now leave me alone."

heartache


CARMA
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☽ CAERWYN SAGITTAR
 Posted: Dec 24 2017, 02:50 PM
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831 • Former Human • Love • Ireland


All you need is love~
SNOW WHITE Merry Christmas have some depression
Anger. Intense, boiling, red. He could feel it, but he couldn’t see the thread to which it was connected - which meant, by process of elimination, that it belonged to him. He’d never seen Snow like this before, filled with actual anger. She was always more subdued - sure she could be angry, but this wasn’t anything he’d ever felt; it was like she’d let that control go, like she was allowing the fire to consume her, and it was actually….a little scary. Caer almost wanted to back up a little, to give her space, but he couldn’t do that. He needed to face this, because he deserved it. He deserved to know how Snow felt, why she felt like this. He was the one who caused it.

He’d taken so much for granted.

His eye twitched at the mention of Charles. Guilt was starting to trickle in now, because...truth be told, he hadn’t grasped just how much...just how much she needed people. Needed family. To him, it just hadn’t registered. Caerwyn was a socialite by nature; he reached for the nearest friend, and there was always a friend in reach. But Snow...was different, she wasn’t like him at all. She was quiet, reserved, kept to herself. She didn’t have the same fallbacks that Caer did, something that he hadn’t ever really even thought about.

So this was what it looked like.

Hearing her call him “the Guardian of Love” instead of “Caerwyn” was the one thing out of all of that, all she’d said, that actually hurt. That was a title. It wasn’t….him. He was Caerwyn, brother angel. Or was he, any longer? Could he be called that now?

Caer swallowed thickly, wetting his lips. ”I can’t do that. I’m sure it’s what you want right now, but I can’t do that.” His voice was quiet, oddly so. Normally….normally he was the loud, the happy one. But not now. Not for this.

”Father came to me and told me, and I just….I put it off, and put it off, and things kept piling. I was pushing it off because I didn’t know just how bad… Green hues tried to meet hers. Then they immediately dropped down to his feet again. ”If I’m the Guardian of Love...how come I...keep pushing your feelings to the back of the line.” He clenched his hands together, trying once again to meet her eyes. It was so...so hard. But he had to do this, for both of them. He hated this moment so much, because the words were tumbling out of his mouth before he could even stop them--

”Please don’t let go.”

Let go….of me, of yourself, of living, of purpose. It was all so selfish for him to ask that of her when he was the one… ”....I never let go of you, I just...it’s not the same for me, people are always with me, I can always see their threads, I just….accept things, accept that we’re together and that’s how it stays in my mind, it’s like I don’t register that these things can fall apart because they don’t for me. But it’s not like that for you...and I wasn’t thinking of that. I just...accepted something without considering maybe you didn’t. But please...don’t...let go.”

He hated the begging, hated it more than he could bear. But after losing Elektra so soon, and the still-raw memory of Nootau’s departure, he was terrified to lose anyone else close to him.
© avey

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☽ SNOW WHITE
 Posted: Dec 26 2017, 06:35 AM
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491 • Archangel/Former Human • Purity • Nomad


If this is as close as I get to heaven Then I won't worry No I won't worry And you know I'm being honest When you go, there's only silence So I won't worry No I won't worry If I fly too close to the sun Please don't shoot me down If I fly too close to the sun If I fly too close to the sun Please don't shoot me down Please don't shoot me down Please don't shoot me down Please don't shoot me down Please don't shoot me down The closer I get I feel your static It's all around me It's all around me, na na And you know I'm being honest When you go, there's only silence So I won't worry

Logically, Snow knew that she should calm down. While it was not unusual for her to grow angry, she was always careful about keeping her temper under a leash. Her temper had never been good. While she could claim that any taste of insanity had diminished with her immortality, her temper had certainly not lessened. There had always been a reason that her husband had been frightened of her when she had been a human. It did not go beyond her notice that she became someone who could be frightening when she actually lost her temper. It was a trait that she held a great distaste for, especially since she knew quite well what type of darkness lay beneath her temper.

Naturally, Caerwyn did not. How could he? She had been incredibly hesitant to tell him anything about her human life. It had taken a great deal of effort to tell him the small amount that she had. Telling him the other details- about what had happened afterwards and even before- was incredibly difficult. After all, her heart was something she had trouble thinking about, let alone speaking about. As a result, Caerwyn was stuck only knowing what she had bothered to tell him and what he had been able to gather from when she had still been an angel. It was an undoubtedly an unpleasant image. After all, she had never appeared to be among the happiest of angels.

That is not fair- not to him. It was a traitorous thought, but one she could recognize as true. After all, how could it be fair to keep the truth from someone she recognized as brother? Yet...did he deserve that truth? She found herself unsure as to whether the other even thought of her in the same manner as she thought of him. Siblings were not something she knew well, but she knew family well enough to know that he was treating her as he ought to. How he had been treating her was far more reminiscent of the past, of her human life.

Her expression twisted at his words and she found her heart heavy. "Why not? You have been doing a good job of it so far?" She was sticking her foot in her mouth. The last thing she wanted was to be left alone. She loathed the feeling, had come to hate it in the last century. Loneliness always brought about what was dark and miserable. However, she was not like Caerwyn. She was no socialite, having long ago come to gain an awkwardness when it came to the company of others. It is only within recent years that she has come to realize that it is a flaw that has come about due to her parents, her mother especially. Having been raised so distantly did not help her and any potentiality that she might have had to be normal was ruined the moment she was abandoned in a forest. Spending so many years with nobody- because really, the infrequent company of the odd magical being who was convinced she would die do not count- caused her to grow a lack of understanding in regards to socializing. As a result, it is far more common for her to upset people than befriend them.

Perhaps not the most ideal situation when she cannot stand to be alone and the cause she is sworn to requires some amount of socialization.

It feels rather horrid to hear her brother admit that he had put off visiting her despite father's insistence. After all, father would not have asked for no reason. In her experience, he rarely asked for anything from them, something that likely had to do with the fact that they were aligned in the war and...well, she supposed they both could be considered fallen angels. It was the closest thing to describe what she was. However, he tended to be the sort who did not often want unless it was important.

She bit her cheek, not wanting to say the cruel thought that rose to the surface. Instead, she stayed deathly silent, even as he began begging. Slowly, she found herself breathing through her nose. Calm, stay...calm.

"Why?" she croaked, "You....you don't even understand do you?" She gave a bitter laugh. It would make sense that Caerwyn could not understand. After all, Snow had loathed love in the beginning and had only come to grow a slow acceptance of its existence as an angel. However, she possessed too many walls to hold the attitude that Caerwyn constantly had. After all, she had been given little evidence that she should blindly accept that a person just loved her because they were family. It had never worked that way for her.

He won't understand unless you explain. She shut her eyes against the thought. She...she did not like the idea of doing such a thing. The last time she had tried to do such a thing it had not ended well. Still...still, was there a point in constantly in this life where she hid behind a name? Behind a lie?

"I have no proof as to what you think in regards to me," she bit out, "Every time we speak it is just about work and-" Her expression twisted, becoming visibly pained. "You realize you tell me nothing? You know far more about me than I know about you, Caerwyn. All I know is that apparently everybody around me knows more about my own brother than me. Father had to tell me you were in a relationship." Just the thought of it brought forth her ire again. She snarled, slamming her fist against the nearby building. Her meeting with Caerwyn after she had returned from Haven and everything that had transpired afterwards was just starting to look like one long list of things she had not known. Why did it seem like everybody else was in the know? "Goddammit! I learned more about you while I was trying to track down members of Phobos' family. Were you ever planning on telling me fucking anything, Caerwyn? Or is that just another thing you put off?"

heartache


CARMA
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☽ CAERWYN SAGITTAR
 Posted: Dec 30 2017, 12:53 AM
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831 • Former Human • Love • Ireland


All you need is love~
SNOW WHITE Oh god it hurts??
Snow White’s world was an isolated place, one that only a single soul could ever fully enter, that only small glimpses were given to even her friends. Even to Caer. He had bothered to ask before, but the only answers he ever got were frowns and cryptic tales. She was more of a private person...and Caer never really contested it. He wasn’t exactly sure how to, how he was supposed to approach that sort of thing. These were sensitive stories after all and if she didn't want to tell them...he couldn’t make her. He wasn’t content like this, not knowing, but he could live with that more than he could live with making her talk about something awful that she really didn’t want to.

But now it meant that in this state….when she was like this….he had nothing to relate to. He couldn’t talk to her in any earnest way that he could reach those pain points. Which meant right now...he was effectively useless. Even when she was speaking...he didn’t blame her for what she said. He hadn’t been ignoring her on purpose, but she had no way to know that. Caerwyn was the sort of person who could hold onto a relationship - because he could see it, always, right there. But Snow….she was lonely. And alone.

He shook his head. I’m not going to leave, Snow. Her words were a little harsh - deserved, but harsh - but all the same he wasn’t going anywhere. Couldn’t. Not now that he could see her. But when she spoke again….after his words, after he reached out with his words….it was with a broken and wounded voice. Didn’t understand….he kept his expression mild, but he was wincing internally. How could he understand what was inside her mind? She was trying to tell him something….or she wanted to….but she was tripping on actually speaking.

Talk to me. Tell me.

He had to know. To understand. Only if he knew could he help.

And right now….right now she needed help.

Finally though….finally it was coming out. He listened quietly, nodding, his expression starting to fall more and more. It was….clicking into place now. It was making sense. He tried not to flinch when she struck the wall, but his eye twitched all the same, his mouth opened slightly. Not out of fear exactly - not for himself. But for her. Don’t do that. Don’t hurt yourself. You’ll hurt yourself if you do that--

Not like it would hurt anywhere near to what he had inflicted on her for his silence. For not telling….for keeping everything quiet. But the more he looked at it, the more he thought….

He really never talked about himself.

It took others reaching out to him - asking him - how are you doing Caerwyn? What have you been up to Caerwyn? He just….by nature….deflected everything away from himself. But it wasn’t because he was afraid….more he just felt by nature like he was supposed to support others. His own life was made to be in support of others - he was never meant to won the spotlight, not in any meaningful sense. It never really came to him that he was supposed to tell people about himself, that to them it would look….insulting. That it seemed like he was excluding them. His mouth felt dry, but finally, he looked up.

”It’s not….I’m not used to it. I don’t tell…” He hesitated. ”...It’s weird for me, to tell someone about me. About myself. I feel weird doing that.” He stepped toward her, cautiously, though still not reaching out to her yet. Not yet. ”You know what I do...and how I am as a person. I always...I mean maybe you do. Maybe you don’t. Maybe you don’t know.” His eyes fell, and he sighed. ”I reach out to people. I ask them what’s up. They tell me about themselves, and then I change the topic, keep on pressing about them and about their lives and….that’s it. I don’t normally...talk about me. And my relationship? That’s...I just..”

He paused, closing his eyes. ”....I’m actually really shitty at talking about myself. I’m always asking others, and then I guess I just...don’t really….don’t leave time for me.”

He waited in silence for a moment, before raising his head, stepping closer now. He was close enough to reach out and touch her face if he wanted. ”If you want….if you want to learn more….I’ll answer anything you ask me now. Doesn’t matter. Anything you want to know.”
© avey

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☽ SNOW WHITE
 Posted: Jan 7 2018, 02:14 AM
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491 • Archangel/Former Human • Purity • Nomad


If this is as close as I get to heaven Then I won't worry No I won't worry And you know I'm being honest When you go, there's only silence So I won't worry No I won't worry If I fly too close to the sun Please don't shoot me down If I fly too close to the sun If I fly too close to the sun Please don't shoot me down Please don't shoot me down Please don't shoot me down Please don't shoot me down Please don't shoot me down The closer I get I feel your static It's all around me It's all around me, na na And you know I'm being honest When you go, there's only silence So I won't worry

Snow felt like screaming, yelling, and crying. However, she knew that, logically, yelling would get her nowhere. Moreover, she was sure that she had run out of her tears a long time ago. She could not pinpoint the moment when, but it had been some point long before this conversation. Too many things- terrible things; she could scarcely recall a happy moment- had been happening as of late.

Yet, this left her unsure of what to say. Think, she reminded herself, Think and then talk. Don't be rash for once. Use your head....you know how to. It did take a moment to consider what to say in reply. She had never been oblivious to the fact that she and Caerwyn were very different people. In many respects, they had always been opposites. This was something that would likely never change. However, this problem was not something that Snow wanted to keep them apart. Rather, she wished the wound to heal and the distance between them to bridged.

She breathed deeply, trying to keep her temper. Carefully, she took a step back and set a stern look on him. "That....won't make it better, Caerwyn," she said carefully, "I'm not upset just because you don't seem to tell me anything." She rolled her jaw, feeling a tick coming on. "You knew something was wrong with me- had someone tell you that you should speak to me- and you <'I>chose to ignore for a year. I don't know what you think families are supposed to be like, but they aren't supposed to be like that."

She hesitated for a moment, unsure if she should continue. Caerwyn did not seem to understand thus far, but she was not sure if it would be...kind to tell him exactly why being ignored angered her. After a moment, she sighed. "I don't think you understand," she said tersely, "You've been treating me like my parents did when I was a child." Her expression grew visibly pained. "And that's not a compliment. I spent my childhood being told my father was always to busy to see me and my mother went from appropriately distant for the time to outright avoiding me once I was seven. Having someone who calls himself my brother, but only bothers to see me for work and ignores me the rest of my time is always going to be the same as them." She swallowed thickly. "If you want to make things better then you can't just...say you want to make things better. You have to actually make things better."

heartache


CARMA
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☽ CAERWYN SAGITTAR
 Posted: Jan 12 2018, 12:35 AM
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831 • Former Human • Love • Ireland


All you need is love~
SNOW WHITE This is messy omg
They were different people, but...Caer liked to think that was a good thing. To Caerwyn, Snow’s callous nature wasn’t scary; it was soft, if he let it be. She had a heart that was large enough for others - a heart that only lived for others, loved for others, if he was being honest. She just looked scary on the outside sometimes. But then...that was the way that people were; the ones who seemed so scary on the outside….a lot of the time they were nice if you just let them be. They were so different, but he had never thought that was bad. To him it was good.

When they had trouble though...when there was something between them...it was hard to communicate it well.

He hoped that she didn’t hate him. No….he knew that, he knew she wouldn’t, but he hoped that she would….would be willing to trust him again. Even slowly, over time.

He’d hoped that opening up might...be a start. But the way it sounded that wasn’t doing him any favours either. He closed his eyes, nodding through Snow’s words. There wasn’t….really anything else he could say to that, there wasn’t really any desire to defend himself, after all why should he? She wasn’t wrong. Charles hadn’t come to him a year ago, it had been sooner than that, but all the same, the sentiment remained. But being compared to her parents…to those that Caerwyn knew had broken any sort of familial ties to her, just by looking at those threads...that was more than he could take.

For a while, he was quiet, his head down. He wasn’t…angry, but that definitely hurt. Definitely….it had hurt. And he didn’t want that to colour his voice; he wanted to be the mature one, to stay himself despite what she just said. So he took a few deep breaths, letting them out slowly. Finally, he looked up, braving an attempt to meet her gaze. His own eyes weren’t their chipper bright innocence they usually were.

”Any kind of relationship goes both ways. No one was stopping you from reaching out to me. You sent Charles...but how could I know from what he said how bad it was? Everyone...we all get hit with things that hurt...I can’t come for everyone at all times. For you, for Micah, for the rest of the Angels…” He swallowed. ”It didn’t have to get this far. I know I was in the wrong, but you didn’t try to reach me...you know this isn’t like your parents, right? You know I can’t make things better two minutes after saying I want to, and that we both need to work together, right? Snow?”
© avey
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☽ SNOW WHITE
 Posted: Jan 12 2018, 05:53 AM
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491 • Archangel/Former Human • Purity • Nomad


If this is as close as I get to heaven Then I won't worry No I won't worry And you know I'm being honest When you go, there's only silence So I won't worry No I won't worry If I fly too close to the sun Please don't shoot me down If I fly too close to the sun If I fly too close to the sun Please don't shoot me down Please don't shoot me down Please don't shoot me down Please don't shoot me down Please don't shoot me down The closer I get I feel your static It's all around me It's all around me, na na And you know I'm being honest When you go, there's only silence So I won't worry

TW: for anyone who is reading, the subject of Snow's suicidal thoughts come up in this and will likely come up after this point

For a moment, a tense silence fills the space between them. However, it feels as thought it has been physically shattered, as if Caerwyn has shot her, when the elder of the two opens his mouth. Snow cannot help but feel a sharp sense of fury fill her, because no Caerwyn is not allowed to play that card. She cares for him and no amount of anger will change that. However, she will not stand her and let him accuse her of standing around and waiting as if she were some hapless maiden. After all, she had never been maiden, not truly. She had always been someone who tried to take matters into her own hands, even if the means were subtle. Snow White is someone who came into the world relatively independent, only to become isolated to the point that she felt that she could only rely upon herself.

In a rare moment of clarity, she finds herself realizing exactly why Ares had refused to call her Snow White, claiming that her given name suited her. He had seen what she constantly denied: that the young girl that had been given the name Snow White was dead and that Margaretha, whether Snow liked it or not, stood in her place. An unnerving thought, but then she supposed that purity could not properly be understood without knowing corruption and Margaretha knew corruption far better than Snow White, no?

Her expression contorted, a visible, cold anger showing. It was an ice that belonged far more to the woman that had been- that still was- Margaretha than the one who had taken to calling herself Snow White.

"I did not send Charles after you," she snapped, the words spilling out before she could consider the consequences of them. She found herself too angry and, within that moment, thus truths she had purposely been keeping from Caerwyn for fear of hurting him. "Father decided to go himself after he realized that I had been considering suicide." The words fell out in a rush and she found herself only realizing that they had been said a moment too late. Her expression twisted and, for a moment, she considered running. She did not like admitting what went on in her head, and the last person that she had ever wished to know about her struggles was Caerwyn. He was love and it had always felt cruel to entertain the notion of trying to tell him, if only because she worried that he might consider it his fault.

She...supposed it was to late to turn her back on such a revelation. It wasn't like Caerwyn was the only one who knew anyway.

She sighed. "I tried searching for you Caerwyn. I spent months, but I know nothing that could have helped me track you down outside of a bit about your powers. To be frank, you should be glad I didn't try to use that knowledge." Snow was a lot of things, but taking advantage of emotional bonds was not something she was particularly comfortable with. She was still slightly cross with Douglas for even suggesting it, though the feeling was definitely fading.

She rolled her jaw. "I know that," she said hoarsely, though she found herself somewhat unsure as to what she was sure about. That he could not always be there? That this wasn't like how her parents had been? That this could not all instantly get better? She supposed she knew all of that, though...she certainly would argue the point about her parents. Caerwyn was nothing like mother, yes. After all, Snow was fairly sure that the woman had been insane and she was sure that the only regret her mother had died with was that her daughter had outplayed her. That and perhaps the inelegance of her death. Her mother had been dreadfully vain after all. However, Caerwyn had been acting like her father. The man had never been a bad man, despite how much f a stranger he was to her. If anything, he had been fairly average for a man of his time. Yet, he had also been a workaholic, never sparing her a second of his time. It was the unfortunate reason as to why she had never been able to regret his death until much later in life, though even then she found herself unable to truly convince herself to love him. If anything, he had become an afterthought, someone she thought so little about that the mention of a father normally had her thinking of Charles or Ares. After all, such individuals were the only people who had bothered to treat her as their child.

"I know that," she echoed, her anger dulling slightly, "But-" Her expression twitched and she could feel her eyes become misty, tears threatening, "I'm just sick of everyone I care about leaving me, Caerwyn."

heartache


CARMA
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☽ CAERWYN SAGITTAR
 Posted: Jan 18 2018, 02:06 AM
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831 • Former Human • Love • Ireland


All you need is love~
He didn’t think that he was a particularly vulnerable person…..Caerwyn had lived, and died, through plenty of things, awful and horrid things, and he in his quietly laidback way had learned to let those things slide off him like they were nothing, to shrug and laugh instead of crumble and cry. But there were some things...there were some things that made him weak. He didn’t know the whole of Snow’s story, even now she’d never told him all of it, but he knew what her family had been like at least in part….he knew enough to understand the sort of horrible things they had done. To be called them...to be likened to them...that was hurtful. Physically wounding.

So he bit back.

He didn’t think he was…wrong for it. What he was saying wasn’t wrong...but that also didn’t make it right, either. She was placing all the blame on him, but he also wasn’t helping matters by addressing her like this. Still, he wasn’t going to just stand there and be cowed by guilt that wasn’t wholly his to bear.

He set his jaw at the sight of her scowl, unwilling to frown in response but also unwilling to step back in fear. She didn’t want to hurt him, but her aggression was clear both in her face and the atmosphere that surrounded her. And he….Caerwyn….knew that for too long he had just…let himself be pushed, he was a people pleaser, but perhaps too much so, forgetting himself and those closest to him in the name of his newest project, the latest sob story. Perhaps this wasn’t the right time, but he wasn’t going to let himself be pushed so much any more. Standing up for himself...standing against even her anger….he had to start, or else he never would learn how.

But the attempt at stoicism fell in an instant. All it took was a single sharp statement to break it.

Suicide.

He’d already lost her once, when she was an Angel like himself. Zeus was responsible for that. But this….

Charles hadn’t told him that. He hadn’t told him anything like that. Probably because….that was something for Snow to say herself, but if he’d known….if he’d had any way to grasp the gravity of what was going on then….

Guilt that tasted like bile swirled in the pit of his stomach like nauseating butterflies of stone. He couldn’t feel his feet, or his hands, or….anything really, he was just stuck sort of staring, both blind and numb and with such sickening clarity. To his credit, he did not weep, nor did his expression change - not at first. It stayed that stoic line, but he was far from unemotive; it was visible, all of it, at first in the slight twitch of his lower lip, then the swift blinking of his eyes, the crinkling of his face, the desperate look of fear and shock and knowing that painted his face gradually.

She’d been looking after all. And Caerwyn….well. Love couldn’t stay in one place long; even if she’d been able to track his path….could she know how to find him? Where he would be? So thin was he spread that the whole of the globe was the canvas to his next great act, but spontaneity of love made it oh so hard to pin him down, even now. Spiteful venom felt so childish now. He’d said that? He’d accused her of not trying?

What a stupid boy.

I’m sick of everyone I care about just leaving me, Caerwyn.

Nootau.

Elektra.

Aphrodite.

People that had, for their own reasons, chosen to disappear, the first at least temporarily; oh he knew...he knew the feeling, the hated feeling. But for Snow….for Snow, it was Caerwyn himself.

The mist in her own eyes was echoed in Caerwyn’s now, and he shook his head. He shook his head over….and over...eyes finally closing as he let those tears fall freely. ”I don’t want to be like that. But I’m…” He swallowed, looking up to her then in a fearful gaze, a pleading gaze. ”I can’t stop. I can’t slow down. It’s only getting worse...Mother Love forced me to tell her….how to find the Nightmare King….I know what she wants to do, but if I didn’t tell her...then she’d get herself hurt worse...going in blind...and some of my oldest friends….those who have been swayed to the Anti-Guardians….they’re pulling further away. I couldn’t save her, and I couldn’t save them, but no matter where I look it’s….” He swallowed. ”....It’s not just me, and it’s not just you, it’s everyone. It’s this war….Halloween….everywhere I turn, someone needs me...love starts to fade when neglected for too long, and when the war is only getting worse, then for me, it’s….you know…..”

Caer’s eye twitched and he shook his head. ”...It’s going to work me down to nothing one day but….if I don’t then...I’ll just disappear. I can’t stop...but the more I do, the more people I meet, the more they need me and I need them...and the more I wind up neglecting the people who really….

He reached out then, finally, reached out and grasped her arms, gently but firmly. ”How long?” His voice cracked slightly. ”My shit doesn’t matter compared to this….to you. How long have you wanted to….have you been trying to….and what started it?”
© avey
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☽ SNOW WHITE
 Posted: Jan 18 2018, 07:49 AM
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491 • Archangel/Former Human • Purity • Nomad


If this is as close as I get to heaven Then I won't worry No I won't worry And you know I'm being honest When you go, there's only silence So I won't worry No I won't worry If I fly too close to the sun Please don't shoot me down If I fly too close to the sun If I fly too close to the sun Please don't shoot me down Please don't shoot me down Please don't shoot me down Please don't shoot me down Please don't shoot me down The closer I get I feel your static It's all around me It's all around me, na na And you know I'm being honest When you go, there's only silence So I won't worry
It was growing harder to control her temper. Snow had never held a particularly good one, at least not after what her mother had done. The forest had turned a fairly innocent and naïve child into someone darker, someone who had likely not been fully sane by the time she got out. Her human years had crafted a woman who had a terrible temper and took poorly to some of the smallest of things.

Yet, Snow could not call the wish to merely be listened to to be a petty wish. For a large fraction of her existence she had felt like a mute. Her quiet wishes to merely be with her parents had always fallen on deaf ears, just as her wish to be back home fell on deaf ears. There always seemed to be something- something that never felt entirely selfish to her, but like a simple need that everyone else received- that she wanted and never found. It was probably why she had never felt a problem with accepting faults in people that she should judge. Mercy was something she had long ago come to accept as good than cold justice, if only because a person who listened seemed more likely to gain others who listened.

So, why did it feel like Caerwyn was not listening?

He was clearly hearing her words on a physical level. She was not daft. If anything, she was far more perceptive than she allowed others to see and Caerwyn's expression quickly dissolved into something painful enough that she knew he understood. However, as he spoke it seemed as if he had not truly absorbed her words. After all, he was spouting the same drivel she was used to hearing. Work, it is always work. Part of her cruelly wondered if he understood how painful it was to hear him talk about how important work was, important enough to never pause for her.

She supposed she should not be surprised. It was not the first time she had been told she was not important enough for a person. Yet, just like how Caerwyn was tired of being pushed around, Snow was sick of being used only to be abandoned by people who did not truly care about her emotions.

"You can't save everyone, Caerwyn." She was well aware how unlike a Guardian others would consider such words. After all, they were not idealistic and light, but then Snow was not a creature of the light. She was too tied to the balance to think in a completely idealistic manner. Moreover, she was convinced that this was something that Caerwyn needed to hear. While Snow could be idealistic, she managed to prevent herself from going insane due to her failures by such a simple reminder. The world was not Caerwyn's responsibility, no matter how much he acted it.

A quiet guilt churned at the mention of Aphrodite. Snow was relatively aware that Caerwyn was placing blame in the wrong corner. He might have told the goddess how to find Pitch Black, but Aphrodite had certainly not gathered the idea through her complete efforts.

It's a war, she wanted to say, What do you expect? They were eventually going to pull away due to their allegiance. She had seen it before, had experienced it before. She had allowed herself to grow close to Ares, only for him to pull back so far that she was incapable of speaking to him even if she wished it. She held no illusions that it was the fault of their differing alliances and knew it was something she could not fix unless she changed her own. Ares was the God of War and was more likely to choose whatever side he thought would win and sadly his decision to ally with the Anti-Guardians was logical in that regard. After all, Pitch Black was trying to win the war; the Guardians were not.

Sadly, she found herself unable to be surprised. She might be lacking in a fair amount of information in regards to Caerwyn, but she was horribly familiar with how naïve he was. The two of them might hold their own idealisms, but it had always been clear that her own hardships had clearly washed away any naivety she might have once possessed.

Once more though, Snow chose to be kind. Instead of pointing out the fallacy in Caerwyn's logic, she chose to be the comforter and offer information he lacked...even if hurt her to do so. "If you wish to blame yourself for Aphrodite then you must blame me as well." The words were curt, more a command than a suggestion. "She undoubtedly got that idea after speaking to me. It was only after she met me that she discovered that the Nightmare King might have tainted her son." It had been exactly why she had purposely avoided Aphrodite. Even with her limited knowledge of the Goddess, she had known quite well that any meeting with the woman would likely not be positive due to whatever reputations Snow held. She had unfortunately been correct. The meeting had been suffocating, touching upon....flaws that Snow did not tend to speak about and tried not to show to anybody. She had tried to hand out a limited amount of information, but it had been clear that even what she had judged as a small amount had been enough for the Goddess to act rashly.

Snow's gaze hardened and she did not bother to reply. After all, Caerwyn had just verbalized her point. The more he paid attention to others, the more he chose to neglect others

She stayed quiet for a long moment. "Sometime around when we took back Avalon," she said quietly. She could hardly place a date upon when, but she knew that at some point she had been considering how tired she was of being immortal. It had only become a far more dangerous thought after she had come back from Haven, as her life had seemed to go from a quiet stability to steadily crumbling. "But I can't say I was ever happy before that. I..." Her expression twisted and she suddenly found it difficult to keep a neutral expression. This was not something she liked talking about. "The twentieth century...was not a happy time. I don't talk about it, but I was not happy. I came back after having expected to die, possibly disappear completely. I had accepted that." She gave a soft laugh, yet it rung hollow. "Yet, here I was, alive." Her gaze shifted on him, looking quite tired. "It wasn't the same as being fallen. I was alone. I couldn't go back to Haven, travel to other realms, and had no idea what to do. Moreover, I had...changed. I was...oddly tied to the balance. You can see people's bonds; I can see people's hearts." She grimaced. "It was unbearable."

She found herself frowning. "Of course I haven't," she said, "I might wish I had stayed dead, but I know that there are those who need me." She could easily think of several people who needed her, though she knew quite well that none of them would admit it. She had always had the problem of getting along with the stubborn sorts, the ones that people were always a touch hesitant to help because they were not good people. She was highly convinced that it was why she had been made a Guardian despite her lack of fitting the mold. She was different, and it was probably a different that the Man in the Moon had viewed as needed...even if he did seem to be a bit idealistic and naïve. But then, she had long ago come to realize that such people could be quite wise when they wished to. "Besides, my personal vows would never allow me to."

It was, perhaps, the first time she had mentioned anything of the sort to Caerwyn. After all, she did not tend to tell other people about the oaths she desperately clung to. They would require more explaining than she was comfortable with. Then again, she was not sure she would ever be comfortable mentioning the fact that she had blood on her hands.

heartache


CARMA
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☽ CAERWYN SAGITTAR
 Posted: Jan 19 2018, 10:20 PM
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831 • Former Human • Love • Ireland


All you need is love~
He didn’t know how to stop. In the end, that was the problem. Caerwyn, in his infinite extroversion, had spread his time so thinly, become a shoulder for so many, that he could no longer reach out to everyone who he had created a bond with. He had become so full of their needs that they muted each other, that he only heard those closest to him, the rest a jumble of pleas that became so confused together he no longer recognized them. He couldn’t place one over another, even family. Family and friends….he couldn’t value one over the other because unlike most, he could see those bonds….could feel them at all times. To choose one over another was cruel. But it also meant...that the way he was now, he’d tied himself in knots from the web of bonds he’d made. It wasn’t about work being important, more important than people. It was about an inability to stop. He didn’t know how.

But he also didn’t know how to tell her any other way. His words were so clear to him, but she didn’t seem to recognize the message, the meaning. It wasn’t reasons he was giving, it wasn’t excuses, it was confusion and helplessness. But then, she and he never spoke the same english.

He opened his mouth and closed it again, brows knit in thought. If she didn’t understand him in his normal way of speech, he had to try another way. He shook his head at her words, pressing his lips together. ”It’s….” He trailed off, looking skyward for a moment to think. ”It hurts. he settled on, finally, green hues seeking her darker, momentarily frightening eyes. ”It isn’t even my powers….I can tune it down...so that I don’t feel what they feel...but it hurts. If I don’t do something it hurts. In my chest. It feels hot and then like it’s squeezing me. If I see or feel something...and I don’t try...it starts to weigh down, and I know I can’t save everyone but...it’s like I have to try. If I don’t I’ll drown.” He swallowed, looking down. ”I don’t want to feel like I have to, I just do. My body and my mind just do that. It’s like I feel this overwhelming guilt if I don’t do anything. It’s the one thing I can do...helping people….if I ignore that it’s like my body rejects me. I want to be able to stop. To actually just….stop….and not be doing something for once. But I don’t know how.”

He didn’t know when he’d developed such a huge fucking guilt complex, but there was no denying the sheer need he had to do everything for everyone had pushed him that far. Caerwyn wasn’t really a person any more, so much as a support. There was no “himself”, only “him and someone else”. If he wasn’t doing something to help someone he felt wrong. That wasn’t healthy, was it?

He was….surprised, perhaps, to find that Snow had told Aphrodite about Phobos, but only a little; after all, she was heavily involved with him. He didn’t….well he didn’t blame her, and even with Snow’s influence….Aphrodite’s decision had been her own. She made the choice to go to the Nightmare King, and...from that….Caerwyn’s hand had been forced. He was more interested, truthfully, in her story - in learning more about why….she had wanted to end her life. Why she possibly still did. He gave a short nod as she spoke, he could understand...if he’d thought he was going to die, he would be perfectly happy just to end. To be pushed back into a war after death….an exhausting, endless war...

”You’re tired of it.” he mumbled, not...looking at her, not really looking at anything. ”It’s...you thought you were done and suddenly you got pulled right back into it.” He sighed, deflating a little. ”I would be too. I’m…” He felt so heavy and lgiht at the same time. ”If I wasn’t keeping myself busy like I am I think it’d all catch up to me. I’m not...like...I don’t want to die or anything but….I….can understand where that feeling comes from. It’s just….” He looked at her more seriously then. ”Do you want that feeling to go away?”

It was a genuine question; there were people who would live with that feeling….succumb to it, those who didn’t want to lose that feeling as it gave them proof that they were still surviving. He needed to know which she was.
© avey
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☽ SNOW WHITE
 Posted: Jan 20 2018, 04:08 AM
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491 • Archangel/Former Human • Purity • Nomad


If this is as close as I get to heaven Then I won't worry No I won't worry And you know I'm being honest When you go, there's only silence So I won't worry No I won't worry If I fly too close to the sun Please don't shoot me down If I fly too close to the sun If I fly too close to the sun Please don't shoot me down Please don't shoot me down Please don't shoot me down Please don't shoot me down Please don't shoot me down The closer I get I feel your static It's all around me It's all around me, na na And you know I'm being honest When you go, there's only silence So I won't worry
Part of Snow- the selfish, more realistic bit- felt like pressing and verbalizing her point. While she could understand the idea of how ignoring others could hurt, she also found such a viewpoint to be terribly selfish on Caerwyn's part. After all, Snow did not just understand due to some attempt to try and imagine herself in his position. Rather, she understood because she had been in his position for centuries. In the beginning, it had been due to her husband's actions. They had left her with a heavy scar, something that, even in her worst years, she had not wanted others to experience. It was only as an immortal that she had attempted to be more proactive about it and tried to help others, prevent the pain that had been inflicted on her from being left on as many people as she could.

She was not perfect. She could not possibly be, as she was only one, fallible creature. However, she knew that she had helped. In fact, it had been exactly why she had died. Were she not so close-lipped on the subject she might explain that it was why she never regretted her death. She had never been the sort to enjoy the thought of dying of old age if it meant she had spent a lifetime doing nothing. Better to die young if it meant another had been helped by her hand.

Yet, everything had changed with that death. After all, those who were in pain could easily be ignored. With her death, nobody could be ignored, not truly. She had become highly aware of the good and evil that lay within the hearts of men and it was an ability that she had never been able to turn off, let alone lessen. Ignoring others was simply not an option, particularly since those with dark hearts often made her ill, something which she had only ever been able to chalk up to them conflicting with her center.

It made, in her eyes, Caerwyn look fairly selfish. He was willing to help others, but he was not willing to take a single moment to stop for her. He considered her his sister, no? She could not claim to understand families very well, but she knew that it was wrong for a family member to ignore other. Even if another was busy, they should make time...right?

She was vaguely aware that not so long ago, a mere century at least, she would have cut off whatever bond she had with someone if they had treated her like this. However, such a thought process came from times when she had been slightly colder in demeanor. Snow White was a kind individual, willing to give many second chances...sometimes to those who did not deserve them.

There is such a thing as too kind. She ignored the fleeting thought.

"Has it occurred to you that the manner in which you might be going about things might be incorrect?" She tried not to be cold, figuring it would get her nowhere. The diplomat would likely get her what she had wanted, what she still wanted but was slowly beginning to lose hope in the possibility of gaining. Besides, the words seemed like something Caerwyn needed to hear. Snow had had several teachers in her time, some formal and some not. She had learned a great deal from them, particularly because they had all been so different from each other and the majority had always focused on telling her how wrong she was. "Just because you've done something one way for ages does not mean it is right."

It was somewhat disconcerting how correct Caerwyn was. Snow was tired. She could not place a date on when it had happened, but at some point she had grown tired of being alive. It was a horribly human thought and she was aware of it. While she had met plenty of immortals who were displeased with their lot in life, she had never met one who actively wished to die. It seemed as if the natural reaction was turn towards survival and betterment.

The idea that she just had one thing that made her different as an immortal made the deep sense of self-loathing. Where others seemed to always have a name for what they were, she had nothing. Angels did not live past death; they were not supposed to. In fact, a fair amount of them did not end up getting placed into the system due to the nature of what being an angel meant. She supposed she could lie to herself, but lies were always bitter and she knew too much. Now, she had the fact that she acted far more like a human than an immortal.

I shouldn't exist, she thought bitterly. Her gaze focused on Caerwyn, brow furrowing. His question felt like a trap, worded to be simple on purpose. However, it was not simple in the slightest. "Yes and no," she said bluntly, "I don't want to feel like this and I would prefer not to." Her lips pursed. "But if it is ever going to go away then it will be due to my effort."

heartache


CARMA
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☽ CAERWYN SAGITTAR
 Posted: Jan 22 2018, 10:02 PM
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831 • Former Human • Love • Ireland


Look at the stars, look how they shine for you

Had it occurred to him? Of course it had. That was exactly the problem; Caerwyn had begun by opening himself as an avenue for others to seek aid, returning flourishes of love - familial, romantic, platonic - to their life and helping to stabilise them. He had begun on that path long, long ago, becoming their support. That was what he had allowed, for so long, something that - as he looked at it now, as he looked at it in more recent times, he realized was weighing heavily on him. He classed it as his responsibility as a Guardian - to inspire the love of others. But being a Guardian...the way he had thrown himself into it, he’d had to make sacrifices. Unconsciously, sacrifices he wasn’t aware of. Things like this, like time spent with family just to be with them. But then that was the problem; because he’d set himself up as a pillar, he couldn’t just pull away - if he did that, then those people...they didn’t have anyone. And he couldn’t, he couldn’t, even if it would help things now, he couldn’t turn a blind eye.

It was incorrect...but he didn’t think that it was wrong.

”I can’t just stop, though.” he murmured, looking down, down at nothing, into the deep, dark void. ”I dug this hole myself by putting myself out there to be something for not just you or father or Nootau but for everyone. If I change now, the backlash would be too much. I can’t just do that. You know I can’t. There would be too many consequences, too many casualties. Like, this can’t happen overnight, Snow.” It was selfish of him to refuse her, but it was selfish of him to accept, too. On the one hand, selfishly choosing his sister over the world; on the other, selfishly choosing his own work over family. He knew which she wanted him to choose, but the gravity of what that meant….in so short a time….there was no way he could just stop like that, in the blink of an eye, the drop of a hat. That kind of decision, he couldn’t just do that. To get what she wanted she’d have to be patient. Drawing away slowly….he could do it that way...but would that be enough for her? And with Aphrodite out of the picture….if he were to step back now….

It just wasn’t feasible to drop everything immediately for her. He hoped she recognized that.

He listened as she spoke, taking the information in quietly. Yes…..but only by her effort. He hadn’t intended to take the feeling from her, if that had been her assumption; more simply he - perhaps morbidly - wanted to know if…..she wished to end her life. Caerwyn had come to recognize that….when one desired death, sometimes it was genuine, and sometimes it was out of desperation. It was more unethical, in some cases, to prolong the life of those who wished to die - for who wanted to live in misery? In the end….that was all he wanted to know. If she was….one of those. It wasn’t his place to tell someone how to feel; if she wanted to end herself….the most he could do was try to understand why, see if those thoughts could be tempered. He was not a creature of mourning, but one of affection.

He sighed, nodding and closing his eyes. ”And what effort would that be?” he asked, more probing now. If he could get to the root of it, then perhaps he could at least assist her in that front. ”What efforts can you make to end those thoughts?”
MOMO Getting to the heart of it
BY MITZI
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